Today I was going to write about diapering or something equally as exciting with a baby, but then I read an article that prompted me to change my tune. I have never worried about my own mortality more than I have now that I am a mother. There are so many things I want to tell my baby boy, and so much to teach him. I worry what he would do if I was not here one day whether it be in six months or 60 years. And so I have decided to write him a letter. It will be a letter he can have and hold and cherish whether I am gone far too early for him to remember me or after many, many years of wonderful memories together.
What will I say?
Of course I will tell him how much I love him, although words will never be sufficient. I will tell him how much he was wanted and how thrilled we were when there were two lines on that stick. And how I made daddy run to the drugstore in the middle of the night because I was so afraid that maybe the first three pregnancy tests were a fluke. He will know the story of how he came into this world, two weeks early via induction because they thought something was wrong…how I cried the whole way to the hospital, and how, three days later, he came out and was perfect. He is perfect.
I will explain to him the importance of being kind and gentle. What it means to love and how to move on after loss. I will tell him how when he was a baby, his smile would light up a room and fill my heart with joy. His laugh is infectious. He is nine months old now and I will tell him about what a sweet baby he is and how, even now, he doesn’t sleep through the night because he is such a great eater – he is just like Daddy. Although secretly, I think he just longs to be close to us at night.
He will know that he is the apple of his father’s eye and that he holds a piece of my heart in his. I want him to know that he is never, ever alone. For whenever he needs me, I am always close whether in life or in spirit.
I will tell him how, from an early age, he would look through the slats on his crib at his bedroom door, waiting for me to come get him. He will know about all my tears. The tears of joy when I found out I was pregnant, the tears of sadness I cried the entire way to work when I went back after maternity leave, the tears of fear that poured out of me when he was sick and sad, the tears of relief I cried when he was finally better, and the many tears we cried together. And that I will always hold him when he cries because he is my baby and I am his mommy.
I hope with every fiber of my being that I am around for a very, very long time. But if for some reason I cannot be, then at least I will know that my son knows me and knows my heart.
With this letter comes a promise. A promise to love my baby boy, and tell him at every chance I get, all of those things I want him to know. And to make sure I never, ever, take those moments for granted. Because he, he is truly the love of my life and this is the best gift I could give us both.
Stephanie grew up, and currently lives, in Upstate New York. She graduated from the University at Buffalo with a Bachelor’s of Science in Business and a Minor in Computer Science. After college she married her high school sweetheart and settled into life in her hometown. A number of years later, Baby J came along and completed their happy family. After working for over 7 years in Tax and Information Technology, Stephanie is enjoying spending time with her infant after being recently downsized.
While Baby J takes up a lot of time, Stephanie enjoys cooking and gardening whenever she gets a spare moment. She also loves to travel and looks forward to all the adventures ahead with her family.
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